Appreciate the small things. Well, I never found that hard to do. Rather it comes quite naturally to appreciate the small things, the details. …anyway the devil in in the details. And since the devil is Lucifer, and I know the word Lucifer stands for knowledge, then in other words it means »the knowledge is in the details«. 

So here are some of my details/knowledge of today; 

Looking at this . . . . 

view from a client-turned-friend of my sis. Useful automechanic of very gentle humble but funloving character. And this environment is of great contrast for me. Of which I’m making the best now, in those moments I’ve got all by myself alone here all day, while she went to work and he is at a birthday party. 

. . . . cute and cozy kitchen with nice views (and as well the biggest reason why he, Bent, bought the place). 

It sure is idyllic enough (for me as well, but just to spend some time alone, enjoying the contrasts . . . . especially to Berlin (where I suffered the past 6yrs). 

 . . . . with this as an example . . . . 

 But here, even when the sky turns grey, as usual during the afternoon of fall and winter, even then all the open space and all the green keeps the surrounding views soothing enough to look around. So I’m in the mindset of milking it for restoring good-feeling. 

I always feel better around my sis, even while she always made it full of battles for nothing, but we’ve gotten older. And I can feel how I don’t want any of all that provokation for arguments n fights for nothing, that I do not have much to add to it. It just makes me incredibly sad and stressed inside. My heart starts pounding and I just feel to get away from it, however possible. Though seeing her this time, she has mentally and emotionally developed her own set-back from her own growth, through firstly the way she had started to smoke spliffs 24/7, and therefore as well was overly sucked 24/7 into her communication devices, texting with clients (and doing some photoshop editings of her own photos, which she uses for her almost-daily adds). So not at all pressent out here “in the real world” with us, not even with me, when I finally come all the way up here. We have not even had any rejoycing nor reuniting moment. Not even a dinner. Not even a day for us two. Or even just an evening for us. We haven’t even had any reconnecting type of conversation. No trace of sincere mature caring of how the other is doing in her world. Only as fckn always I’m the attentive one, always feeling like I never get that loving interest in my world. 

The atmosphere is all the time, non stop only about her; her friends, her things, her stress, her incidents, her job, and her moods ruling allthe time, as ifthere is no space for anyone else to feel a rhing. And then there’s those moments in between, which she uses to get irritated about anything (which makes her sounding feel like she gets a sense of being in charge/being clever/being in control and so on) annoyingly ranting about anything possible, like my food being in her kitchen cupboards, or complains that I have packed the otherwise empty fridge with food (all though to say »packed« is a total exaggeration, as most everything with her is) and my device-chargers (plastic and rubber) in her steel table-bowl will scratch the bowl. And if I wake up to something like a sticky floor, I can be sure she will blame it on me, or anyhow make bad energy by at least making a fight-type of issue, if I haven’t automatically cleaned it (all though it would only be typical of me to just do so, even though she never would do and never did behave caring like that in my house (because she grew up so spoiled that life is all about mainly just her)). She will always find something to put against you, even if there is nothing at all to use against you, then she will just use something that makes no sense. It doesn’t matter. In fact nothing at all but her moods and wants of the moment matters. She is totally back to being that same old senslessly provoking and even mean, coked up brat, that she was over a decade ago, while living in Greece. But expressing hurt (about it) to her, has prooved to be useless, over and over again. So I can’t even talk to her about it. ..just because it’s not something good about her.  But fck man I can’t even talk to her about what matters to me the most of my own stuff. Not even now when I am in the worst times of my life, even without a place to live after my “marriage” with the coldest version of a man I have ever known. …who even dared (to lower himself by trying) to accuse me (in agreement with his young daughter) of using him. …!? I who never even asked for anything. I who have never before had so much cheap bad quality stuff to agravate myself with, just because I was being conciderate to consume as little as possible from our funds. He left me empty-handed, cry-spirited and broken-hearted, just because I became unhappy amd his reactions only made worse. He only likes happy la-la people. Superficial talk is the only type of talking he’s good at/or that he can keep up. Naa jaa well, it was all perfect the first year, of course while all was well. But clearly it’s when some trouble break loose that you start togetto know some other sides of people. 

So I am greatful for learning that they are the way they are. It is good for me to have that extra awareness about what such people actually consist of. What its like up close. It is good to now what it feels like to me, with all its details, in every way. 

I realise that such selfish beings remain hurtful to their surroundings ~ to our world, no mattet what. Because even when they want to do something supposedly good, perhaps even something for you, unfortunately you can be sure that the only reason they are interested in doing it, is because there is something in it for them to gain. They are not of uncondittional love. There is always condittions. They are never selflessly loving. They are always in anything and everything for themselves. And the spoiled version of such people lies, manipulates and often even steals aswell, accuses other of doing exactly the things they are doing. I admire how theybtake so overly perfectly good care of their own existance.