You might see yourself in, at least, some of this. It might, more than likely, help you to make sense of some, or all, of your own possitions in life.

Searching my own secret. Looking back, I have always felt that I AM a soul, I have always felt my spirit strongly. And listening to other people, such as the ones, who insist that you listen to their judgements of what feels like critical views of you, such as the ones, who tend to say ,,you don’t listen. You have to learn to listen to people.” Everytime I have allowed to do just that, to listen to such people, then gradually I find that it takes me far away from who I am, loosing connection to myself, my own source, my own wisdom, which knows me, which knows what is right for me, which knows my nature and how I function.

The earliest clear memory I have of feeling my soul, was when I had my very first bithday. I layed eyes on something golden and blueish, and I remember clearly, that it looked like something familiar to me, something I could normaly go into. Today I know, that what I thought it was, is something we would call a door to another dimention, weather we believe such to exist or not, at least most of us know it from movies. But there I was, 1 year old, and as I tried to touch it, it hurt my finger, and I felt surprised in a puzzled way, but my physical surroundings quickly distracted me, with my kind grandmother (mother’s mother) who was there with me, standing a few meters away with a stranger.

Later, at around age 9, my other grandMother (fathers mother) showed me some photo albums of my baby pictures. I remember looking at most of those photos, without any proper memory of any of those moments. …until, I came accross a series of photos, of me sitting in a big arm-chair, with a gigantic teddy bear (the teddy seemed familiar), and each picture in this series, showed my different moves, step by step ~ image by image; showing how my attention was gradually drawn to, what seemed to be, to the birthday cake, which was standing on the table, right next to the chair that I was sitting in. The next picture showed, that it was the one candle on top of the cake, that I was actually focusing on. And the next picture showing, how I raised my arm, pointing my finger towards the flame, and the next picture revealing that I wasn’t pointing at it, but rather, I was on my way to stick my pointing finger into the flame.

Now sitting there at grandMa’s, flipping through the photos, this moment was where I connected the memories I had of this day, and my body was instantly filled with a wild-feeling energy, and I shouted out to my grandMother, ,,I remember this! I REMEMBER THIS!” …the following photo confirmed my memories, showing, me sitting with my finger inside the flame, and of course, the next photo after that showed, me now sitting with that finger in my mouth, and a facial expression of discomfort, as the fingertip was obviously hurting from the burn.

Now, being older and more knowlegable about things of this earthly reality, this life and the things in it, I finally understood, the whole silly deceivement. So I now the memories were all clarified, from this documenting series of photos, showing to the older me, what it all actually was, that happened on that day. …just a damn flame, looking like a familiar entrance to another dimention.

It blows my mind, to know, that a baby can have a memory, of a such thing, without being able to connect it within this earthly reality, without being able to comprehend this surprising fact, that it just looks like what you know, that it just resembles something you know from before this earthly life, unable to understand why it isn’t that, which it appears to be. …why something can look like a thing you know, but is actually something else.

It blows my mind, (and it still gives me that wild-feeling energy, right in the center between my chest and stomach) that I!, have such a memory, from before I was in this physical body. That is just so wild-feeling to me! It feels similar to, when you get surprised by a dream/wish come true.

I even remember, feeling as if I had been cut off (from the reality I knew), as if that was why it didn’t work, the way I knew it to be working; which was, something that would instantly suck me in, to another ralm/dimension/place/space kind of thing. I remember the expecting feeling, that I would go into that thing, as my finger touched it (now knowing, that was just a candle-flame).

This is one major fact, which leaves me with no doubt of, that I am not just this one physical body, which should make me cease to exist one day, when the body itself dies. On the contrary, I know that I go on without the body. …that I am not this body, but rather, that my consciousness in connected to this earthly existence, through this body.

But, I don’t see what I can do with this knowing. I dont feel, at least not yet, what else it can be used for, for now, other than just sharing it with you.

Obviously I, just like most of us, would never expect would never imagine, and wouldn’t even believe, that a baby could have any sense of knowing some other reality/that a baby can have some knowing memory, of any doorway type of things, to some other ralm. But I did. ~so I do! …actually. And it feels wild. I have no better word than wild, to describe what this feels like.

But clearly, this also confirms, that the inner voice, which you might feel you have, is obviously all real.

And so, YES, you have to listen to your inner being/inner self, and not anyone pushing their opinions and critical advice on you.

And yes, there are different being on this planet. My ex is a major example of that, at least for me.

In this writing, I am searching to …. decode myself, so-to-say.

I am always told, that I am good with words. But in my own feeling, and in my own experience and observations from within, words are poor. For example, for explaining such things like this childhood memory, and many other seemingly mystical things. Words distort the accuracy, and thereby the truth becomes more moldable, and even a bit inaccurate, or just less precise. Which is also why, we best listen to most everything, “with a grain of salt” as my grandMother always said.

…..meanwhile, I find myself living in a world, where the majority of people, seem to be taking most everything quite literally. ….which then reminds me of my father, always saying that, humanity consists of some 80% stupid people. I say, Dangerously stupid people, which comes from, not only knowing the human history, but also from my experiences with people, and observations of them.

I feel surrounded by idiots, and that most of my life. This makes me feel lonely, and alienated, most of my life. And the worst thing is I’m not even that smart hello.

Now in Berlin, it feels worse than ever. As well as the relationship with my ex, made me feel more lonely than ever, while not alone.

I am a traveler, since my baby years already, and it has never really stopped. And everytime I worked in Germany, I always ended up in tears, weather those tears were inside, or actually physical tears, visible on the outside, my spirit/feelings, mental and emotional state, always ended up feeling absolutely horrible, within the 2’nd – 3’rd month of being in this country. (London Denmark and even NYC a bit also, always felt somewhat similar)

This time, I feel stuck here in Germany. I moved here with my love, ….from Ibiza, where our love was feeling so good, where I managed to feel mostly good, even through the worst of times. Already the first few months, our relationship started feeling different to me, but I was trying to ignore-it-away, which turned out to destroy my wellbeing feeling, instead of making the discomforts fade away.

I guess it is all to clear, that whatever our feelings perceive, we best not ignore. But rather, face the facts, by following our heart/our feelings, with the intention of somehow, in one way or another, to be somehow moving in any way or dirrection, which somehow feels better, whatever that may mean for you, however crazy it may seem at times. It surely often requires to be brave. But otherwise, we are allowing selfdestruction. ….for everything in our life, is our very own responsibility, incl. whatever happens, whatever anyone seems to cause us, whaever anyone does to us. (especially considering that we live in a world of dangerously stupid people, who will obviously behave as such ~ causing stupid things) AND asside that Because, bottom line is, I chose to be here, and/or I chose to be with or around this or that person, and/or event and/or situation. ….and I percieve this or that, so or so. Noone is percieving for me. So if what I am perceiving, feels so or so, then only I can act accordingly, to make my feelings feel better, weather that means, weather that is, to go/move/walk away or whatever.

At the same time, whatever happened, is not wrong, but meant to happen, because we are to experience contrast as well, from which we get to know more, and thereby grow more. And sometimes growing hurts. Surely, the more/the faster you grow, the more hurt you will encounter.

But this doesn’t count for everybody, and I have a good example of that; My ex, does not want to grow, and has anyway as well, been smoking joints since age 14, which is known to prevent mental and emotional growth. And I know enough people, who had this clear experience on their very self, realising after quitting the years-long times of smoking joints, that everyone else around them, who didn’t smoke joint, have grown and kind of changed, ~added to their being, and moved on in many ways, while they themselves, the joint-smokers who quit, find themselves (after some 4-6 months of not smoking the stuff anymore) feeling in their being, exactly the same as they felt right before they began their joint-smoking times.

My ex never really quit, thoughtout his whole life, so he will never know and never grow.

Now I dream of likeminded and likespirited people. I am wondering why I dont meet any such people here in Germany!?, and why the few I did meet here, left the country more or less fast. ….ok I feel like I do know, at least more or less, why they left. And I guessnit is a waste of time to ponder that, when what I want to achieve, is to not be without such people, to not be lonely and alianated.

I do know heeps of people here in Berlin, but the only 2people here, who I feel in good company with, are a russian couple (a ballet dancer, and a child prodigy pianist).

Yet even with this couple, I can feel that we are not connecting as well/as propperly as we can, as well as we would in a place of better frequencies/energies, than those we live in here. I know what it is to connect properly, as it is part of my nature, and I do it all my life quite easily/quite naturally. The only places in the world where I haven’t experienced this natural feeling trait of mine, to be connecting propperly with other people, is always in Germany, UK, USA, and for the most part in Scandinavia and France as well.

Odly as it may seem, I have experiences of connecting well, with people from those places, when we are outside these places. ….there is a feeling of things, money, business, immage and such illusory stuff, having more importance than living beings, in those places. ….they feel somewhat like battlefield places. Reminds me of Nostradamus, calling the so-called normal society “The Grand Theater” ~ another way of describing a world where all is more fake than real, filled with merely just imitations values.

….