Haven’t had this for ages!? And even though it’s the same today (plus I woke up a little to 8 (ok, went early to bed also)) anyway the first thing that came to mind was the energetic feelings of Berlin. And I lay there thinking; although it seems all negative, well it IS, but it is also important and interesting, because its real, and because I am feeling it all the time here.

There is a death-feeling here! The waiting to die feeling is here! Creativity, for me, dies here, always after a week to a few weeks!? I’m here now almost 7 yrs, and some 5 this energy stuff has been ….or is it 6yrs now!?, that it has been under my attention and observation. This morning I just woke up feeling more clear about it. …yeah kind of/could be shameful that I’m still here, but I do feel its purposefull, which is also why I haven’t been able to get out of here.

But FCK HELLO!? I’m ready for it, what is it? Just let me have it/get to it WHAT EVER it is!? Just as long as we are done here and I finally get out of living here, or only here, at least just Not Mainly here thank you very much. I really dont need my life to be longer if this is it. Berlin is really not worth living for, next to what I already have lived. Yeah sorry, but I am not even exaggerating. I have to keep growing and dis-covering life, and here life feels too dead for me.

Ok I know that dying is the only profound way of getting un-poisoned and out of any spellbound anything. But the only spell n such, that I was under was Mika, and he’s gone now!? ….ew, wait a minute!?, he brought me to the “cemetery”(Berlin) to get rid of me like a dead person!? ….he did poison me with all the things he would say while we had sex. …and his whole view on sexual stuff.

I do feel like I