I SO WANT but feel like I can’t …even …

yeah WRITE ABOUT IT …about Greenhouse Berlin

(House Logo)

about what’s going on here …

in this so-called greenhouse/artist-house here, with this experience going into being 2 years deep now.

I did document some of the visual sides of the fragmenting experiences of winter 2015-2016 in these *photos & video-clips, which all together very possibly might say it way better, than I will be able to do now. …and this all being a time that I feel as if I might actually also have been a bit unfit for at this time.

But when searching for how it could fit in, or somehow even be familiar, then I find that in personal growth I do tend to end up diving in hard. So perhaps it just happened automatically/naturally, as a meant to be, since most everything is part of personal growth. …for me at least. And something up in this place, having been so intense, tells me that there is some clearly-to-me old-related patterns reapearing, messing up my way, and even blocking me, getting me affected too easy. … and now in this GHB house I’m heavier stuck than ever before!

While I’ve been unable to do anything, and as of yet still feel so damn stuck, well in fact more and more dysfunctional, I do see and feel here as well (of course), that I can be anything I want, anything I can percieve or not, whatever by own choice in this damn environment, and make my very own extractions from even this place (since there is always some good among in the bad as well, and sometimes even directly or extremely). But lately I’m not even able to be my own creator, so it’s all feelin’ seemingly ….so very pointless.

So “funny” what this place makes me occupy my being with! Utterly nbelievable! It’s as if all I can do here is my clean my space, and clean again, and again as if I was a 24/7 maid, and as soon as all is in order, someone comes (in fact as if I was an unappreciated slave) and makes a mess as if they themselves were a whole group. If I didn’t know any better, I’d be thinking it’s provocation.

So often I’ve jokingly said »fake it till you make it« and I know this funny tip works in the right hands, but I can’t even fake it, and ok yeah I hardly ever really can.

But I’m used to having humor, which apparently covers the averagely known signs of a sad, depressed, loney, stuck n traumatized~anxietyfull, self-loathing adult, containing the soul of a bruised little child, who refused to grow up because of the mostly miserable and pathetic adult-world that is displayed.

Well yeah, that is part of my own self analysis. …a pretty common theme of the human though. ..more negative than positive I mean.

When Mika and I moved me in here, there wasn’t even any stove, just two small cooking things with thick layers of burned old caramelized food on them. Then Mika brought a used cool looking /steel-stove.

At the time the floor was an office floor, the most quiet and neat of the entire house. That’s why I chose this floor. It had 3 big empty rooms, and there was hardly any things in our commonspaces.

Later he also brought a cool steel serving-trolley and a steel corner kitchen table. But it turned out, as the rooms were getting filled with new party-life-style renters, that the more surfaces, and the larger the surfaces, the more mess n filth. …which seemed to be growing on them all by the minute. …so eventually, after a few months, I had to do the most easy n logic kind of sollution, and took the trolley, cleaned it, and cramped it into my studio room, and gave the other rack of stainless steel, to my installation-artist friend Karima.

You can almost see the steel trolley in the lower left corner of this photo. …well just a tiny part of the handle.

SmilaZ Berlin ARTIST-STUDIO jul.2015-jul.2017

Eventually another party-couple moved in, a wanna-be hippie, and a squatter. Not artists. And within a week we suddenly started having flies in winter! The girl was basically putting all types of foods and fruits and veg. (that was already disposed by others, which she’d then find as free food, resqued food) and she’d leave it out side the fridge, and as well all the time leave dirty dishes n other used stuff with half eaten foods on it, on our dining/meeting/common-space work-table. …just plainly being a nasty mess, on top of what already was accumulating here, from the constantly zooded n careless people.

And all though I managed to do some work that turned out to get rid of the flies in less that 24 hours, while this new Clara girl, was away on festivals. But as soon as she returned, the flies (as if returned with her) were as well back within 48 hours. And nobody seemed to give a damn about that or anything else as usual.

But everyone always comming knocking at my door for borrowing any and every freakin thing possible, several times a day, that sht never fails. Just leaching and leaching, and only leaving all things ruined everywhere they go.

But even worse was, that my own boyfriend (at that time) of nearly 7years, started arguing against me, regarding those flies not being a normal thing to have during cold winter, all though where we previously lived together, our compost bin only had flies during the winter, every single year. Yeah a total Narsisist! So anti-team, anti-partners in life, unsupportive, so rather mean.

Then this Clara girl broke up with her day&night-stoned boyfriend, and started seeing a new guy on our floor (who’s body hairs were now all over the bathroom as if we hadn’t enough discus here already), and as they had just gotten together, and she must have told him confidently about me having trouble with all the dirt n filth everywhere, because suddenly he had left on the table, a tiny plate with a plain spaghetti portion, way-to-big for the plate. Everything about it just seemed like provocation, on purpose to show her that he was on her side, (unlike my cold ass narsisist boyfriend with me). But I told myself, no that can’t be, that would be too childish, but as we had to move everything in the kitchen a bit around, for the new cut in the wall, to make a half open kitchen, a ton of the smaller kitchen things were put out of the way, and some to the side where this guys door happened to be. And as he saw the little plate of spaghetti there, he immediately got paranoid about it, and went directly to me, so that confirmed the provocation pretty well, and then she also came into this scene, and they were basically both saying, that everything is fine and normal clean, so that I must be crazy. …it did feel like some conspiracy against me, right in my face, but of course I’m not that dum and simple. But in the next days they put a rotten portion of food covered with a plate, on our now brand new kitchen counter, right in front of my door. This time I was not doubting the provocation-attempt at all, and for the same reason, in order not to let myself loose my mind over it, I immediately turned my humor on it, and made an installation “worth € 7.000.000,-” out of it ~ *see in this Video.

Here is another crazy-world video, of those kinds that I can hardly believe that I have actually made, or would ever come to make! …unbelievable what circumstances can end up making you do!? …haha…

AND HERE IS ONE OF THE VERY LAST AND MORE NORMAL VIDEOS I MADE, right before I moved out of there, at which time actually I had grown fond of some new floor-mates.

More about GHB.