Re-recognising My Life.
My life has always set itself apart from the general. It’s always been strange in that way. Since before I turned six, I’d run into that other children typically either didn’t believe what I was telling about or couldn’t relate to whatever I said, and would shockingly to me respond with anger.
As I got older, the reactions of others, to my life, would turn into and is so often just something like “wow there’s always something unusual or crazy going on in your life”, “it’s never boring with you” , or “you just cannot be normal can you?”
And it reminds me of something else, which is both totally different yet somehow also a bit similar, when my long distance boyfriend from New York one day said, “being with you is like having many different girlfriends, and you never know which one your with in the next coming moment”. It felt hilarious, and I immediately took it like a compliment, while at the same time realising that it’s more of a pick and choose how this should be understood, and it made me laugh, as I’ve never heard such a funny thing for a compliment and/or critique in one and the same comment. But I guess particularly many geminis can be described like that.
Well, and so now, I’m having one of those amusing and really unusual constellations in my life again. And it feels like rerecognising my life. Not that such things are always amusing, no. But I guess that’s because Living on the edge outside the norms is full of uncertainty and sacrifice. But it’s when it’s not strictly bad, that I feel the familiar feeling. The opposite feels more like some foreign intrusion (from the tyranny infiltrated in the whole human side of planet earth) trying to reach in to jump on any opportunity of edgy life, as if its always a great chance to mess something up. …and the minute you fall for the False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R.) then boom it got its propper chance. At least I feel like I’ve learned, that the most right way to go about most things that might appear scary or worrying, is to refrain from falling for it, because its mostly more Illusion than doom and gloom. But we mostly get so freaked out, that we end up resonating with the frequency of fear, which is in other words the very welcoming invitation to all the crap there could be to fear. Basically falling for fear, is mostly like opening the door to unwanted guests, as if you were “totally away from the window”, as if totally messed up on drugs or something. And the next day you wake up shocked by all the mess you find.
Years ago I was seduced into what felt like love, so some love must have been there, aparently “just” not the fuller spectrum of what it really is, so now these days it looks like it might just have been one big naive mistake to move away from the only place I ever loved like home and felt like home, and in that also left the independence of my own unique business, which I not just loved, but which even came from the fact that I really lived it fullheartedly myself to begin with.
Well instead of staying and taking my drivers licence, to move on with my establishing and growing my amazing lovely business, I moved with him and his daughter, from Ibiza to Berlin. Now I see so clearly how naive and trusting that was.
I slowly became unhappy in ugly and dirty-feeling Berlin, full of homeless looking people and drug people, which all brings me down to see.
One month before we would have reached seven years together, he just “left me to die” in my sad sort of state. He left me literally with nothing but a rented room, and a loan of four thousand euros, in this big cold harsh world, that is more insane than not.
All I could feel, and wasn’t able to fight of by thinking it away or convincing my self otherwise, was that leaving someone when they’re down and weak is mean to even evil. Something I’d never do. I’d never turn my back on one down. But leaving me like this, with nothing on top of it all, now that I could only ever somehow manage to do to someone (perhaps), who I’d perhaps somehow never managed to love to begin with (but then I surely would not have been coupled with the person). I’m not sure, perhaps I could turn my back on someone, that I somehow didn’t ever namage to really like to begin with (but still I don’t think I’d walk away, unless I somehow had Better to do so).
But we Had been a couple in a love relationship, and for me the longest one, as I was mostly single, and the occasional relationship usually only lasted a couple of months, because I always found during the first month, that this is no good ~ so I better start making my way out of it, which usually took about a month’s time in itself. But this guy felt so …like a good match for life, as we never argued, felt so much care and respect, and even had lots of the same good living preferences and habits. So from my side, I intended or felt, that this relationship might be for good, with the open willingness through good and bad. No matter what and how old we get, we’re a team, we’re world family. But boy “stoboy” was I solo in that big wast accepting of another fully, with loyal sincerity. And yes that hurt extremely deep.
Two years before this terribly devastating breakup, he had said a couple of times, that maybe I should have a fling, that such things can help to lighten you up. First it made me sad, then I told myself he doesn’t mean it the way I take it. He just is that open free minded guy, more modern than me in a way, even though he’s twenty yrs older. But I still never intended for anything like that. But one day I and a Danish friend in the big artist residence fell asleep next to each other, and during that night he kept cuddling up, and eventually trying something more, but I kept rejecting and falling asleep again. Though he kept on trying again, many times, and at some point I remembered what my love had been saying, and thought well now that it’s starting to get to me, maybe I really should “just” try, just let it happen and see. Maybe I’ll get just clear about something. So I let it happen. And of course I gently but straight up told him about it. And of course I expected that he would hardly even care much, and if anything, than he, being a man, might get curious about how it was or so, because that would all fit his profile. But to my big surprise, he later told me how he felt upset and stressed that day I told him, which in return made me feel so sad to have done something that I didn’t even really want to do in the first place, and made him m feel bad from it on top. Then I could have saved my sensitive being, and in that both of our feelings! I felt so mislead. I felt as if he caused me to cheat on myself, on us both. It felt like I had been sort of tricked. And in some way like I had made a fool of myself also.
Well it’s not how I am, and not how I see life, or how I feel right and wrong. But I trusted him 100%.
No matter how well someone means it, always listen to your own inner sense and feelings of things. At least it seems to me, that everytime I start listening to others, taking their advice, then things go really wrong.
It surely is true, that what might be right for you, might feel wrong for another. Just like one man’s garbage can be another man’s treasure, simply because we all tend to percieve differently.
So I’ve been battling “scraping the bottom” because of this guy, as if I was some freakin rat in the wall or something, since 3,5years now. Noticing the whole time how lonely everyone really is in life, now that I’m standing in the same. Even most of those with a partner, are not really of authentity and love with each other, even if they live together. People are not really sincere, as if they’re not used to it, or as if it’s not safe or so. It looks like the seperation of man is now really achieved, everyone lives in fears, insecurities, worries, in other words in constant stress, and even fearing each other now.
And as usual I see that nothing has changed in the fact, that everyone is there and all good with you, untill you loose and really fall on your ass I life. Then nobody is there at all. And some even mysteriously create stories about you and literally turn against you, even if you never did anything wrong to them. So then if you don’t have family or world family around, you’re screwed. And nobody actually really cares.
Humanity is living in fear and don’t even register, and neither do they register that they are so disconnected, and that is all very alarming of course. But they go on taking all that and the daily stress factors for totally normal. …yeah that’s equally alarming! But you can’t see what you are not aware of. You can not recognise what you do not know. Ignorant massess of people is a necessary ingredient for rulers, its the key to be able to rule over you.
Anyway so now March 2021, after six months of no income at all, now that I have an appointment for personal guidance in getting support, to get an address and a place to stay, to start from scratch, plus then some support money (yes it’s really that bad now), but then (as if just to make everything utterly weird). I have a trip coming up which is no less insane to this context than meeting with a billionaire that I know from over ten years ago. So now this whole picture just sounds like either crazy scriptwriting, or bad or perhaps just stupid scriptwriting, the kind of stuff that most anyone would think these things dont fit into the same story in any way at all. But boy hello is life not really as people tend to assume it. No, reality is so much more awkward than then the average you tends to realise.
But this is how I now notice, that like this now, being in this upside down sounding constellation, I’m finding myself feeling more familiar with my life again. It feels like my life again. Feels like … The magic is still here. Wow I though…or I felt as if it was over, as if it was the end of me. As if the world had just abused and destroyed my love, me. But no, I guess it was just a very long dark night of the soul. Now the sun is finally coming up again. And I feel as if, perhaps when constellations and situations are weird ~ it just means everything is right🙃