I felt oblivious and aware simultaneously. My grandMother was often referring to her husband, who had passed on before I was born, as though he was up in the clouds with my mother, who passed on when I was 16 months old. I remember feeling that she was just being silly. Which she confirmed when she eventually started saying that my mother is seeing me all the time from the clouds. I always felt that it was just something she was saying. But because she would say this, I asked her when I was 4 years old, what happens when we die, to which her reply made me think to myself, that she doesn’t know. Because she said that nothing happens, then we are just no more. I knew that this was not true. But i didn’t question myself, and nor did i say what i was thinking, because i didn’t have the words to say what inwas feeling in my awareness.

Since i turned 1 year old, I felt as if I was cut off from where I know things from. My first memory is of the first time I saw a lit candle. It was the blue in the flame that caught my attention, because I recognised it as a thing that would make me go to a nother place or space, by just focusing/looking at it. But nothing happened. So I tried reaching out for it with my index finger, but it just hurt my finger and I felt puzzled, let down, confused, disappointed, locked out from the reality that I know.

7 years later, I saw a photo series in black and white, in an album my grandMother, my fathers mother, had me look through, which showed this memory from the observers objective. I had no idea that anyone even knew about this experience. Though I do remember there being 2 adults some meters from me in a slightly dark corner. So now I got to know that it was my mother’s mother together with a photographer in Karlovy Vary.

Since the first time I heard people talking about the Bible, I could hear that they take the things from it literally. As I got older, I ended up saying, on a nother occasion, and now with more vulcabulary, that it’s symbolic and metaphorical. I knew that I know, but just not how or from where.

Now I know that there is something called AstroTheology, which is what makes me write this down now. Astrotheology explains perfectly. Amd it reminds me of, that humans even used to speak very differently, they even though similarly to how they wrote those stories. A sign of having been taught well, being educated, was very much revealed in the symbolic and metaphorical ways of speaking.

And just like you see an example of in India, with their so many God’s, we used to have many God’s. Everything was sacred to us because everything has a spirit, an awareness, and a purpose. And so we respected and appreciated everything very actively or constantly, compared to these days. And no we did not eat flesh. Makes you heavy and fragmented, disconnected.