Help. I can’t be silent anymore! I can’t stand it since the whole time. I was already exhausted, needing a serious time out when i came up here after a decade of hardship.

Someone please stop the pain.

It started out beautifully. We were the perfect team to stand by and help each other. It was a prayer come true. But I didn’t know that he was pretending to be real. I didn’t know that someone capable of being so sweet and carismatic was able to be Evil. I would never have thought of such a thing, that someone who has avalanches more than a person needs to be super comfortable would turn around and use someone who lost everything including own home all belongings and worst of all  family, use the fact that I needed serious help, pretending he would help, pretending he would buy me a home. I never asked for any such thing, and was afraid to believe it, because a disappointment in my shoes would be the final devastation to break me down. But instead he abused my situation to trap me  into a slave.

He kept saying that I’m the best masseuse for his pains, and he’s been getting massages for many years, and im not even a masseuse but just always knew i could do it well if i wanted to, which I never did, only to people I care about on a personal level lets call it (his physical health is not good at all).

His daughter said she hadn’t seen him so happy in a long time. At one point after 2 years when things had gotten torturous for me here she came to visit again and said “I think he loves you a little”. To which I had to say that actually he’s the type who doesn’t know what love is. He sure fits to what most astrologers say, that for most Scorpios it’s the thing they are supposed to learn.

I did say at some other point (at the time when everything had turned into a nightmare already, though) that of course I do love him too, as she kept saying she does. She was always so lovely. And she too opened up to me and told me very personal things when I invisited her on Ibiza island during my year  up here.  I was a tiny bit surprised to hear that she had that kind of experience where a mexican boyfriend of hers was so cold that she eventually ended up screaming and crying on the floor of his house in mexico. So once things had turned into a tormenting nightmare up here in this isolation, I did try two times to say a tiny bit of something to her (just testing the waters carefully, sensitively,  with stuff that anyone who cares a bit would have replied to, or even called you up about).  I was by that time so intensely hoping that she who knows him the best would speak with me. But she ignored my messages so many times before, and that time as well. Ergo, just fake to me the whole time. She could tell me her pain stories and hard times, but was not going to bother for any moment about mine, even though her assistance might be able to help our situation up here. You never know what insight can do. And she who was always going on about how she wishes to see her father happy. Bla Bla Bla. I guess it means But totally without any crumb from her to support that idea. So, after all just another spoiled rotten but pretty looking and sweet facade behavioured thing.

I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

When she then came for christmas and I was left to sit here in the studio alone, and she then came by to say merry christmas as they were on the way to the dinner hut that he calls his private restaurant, it just made me so damn sad. I had otherwise managed to be in a bubble of my own forgetting that it was christmas, and then she comes to remind me that it’s Christmas and that nobody thinks of how I must feel in general, and even now of xmas just ignore me like some farm dog. Like something painfully surreal. Like a world gone to Hell or something.  And the nice Christmas gift of a reminder to leave me with, which alsonreminded me of the messeges ignored. So very thoughtless of her, not to mention so fake and therefore so very needless.

To be of unconditional love ogmf ones developed nature, makes the hurtfull things so much more intense in such a case like this, and so I say,  you better get far away from loveless ones if you are a loving being.

While it turns out to be useless, I do feel sympathy through my understanding of how messed up money power has made him, as it does most people;  to not be refined wise beings and be showered with heaps of money power. No unwise person can handle that without being destroyed, self-cursed, and becoming totally disconnected hollow. …then living on the fake power of just money, while the loneliness goes deep, so deep that they become completely cold, hollow, empty, which makes them rotten. …and so much more that extends beyond death and into all the next lifetimes. It’s terribly sad to see, not to mention to now be so close to, or in the middle of. And during the first year, I was (and the few friends who know me since forever were also) sure he’d come out of it with an authentic one like me by his side, someone who helplessly loves. But no, he just used and tortured that love being into pieces. Now i found that it takes several beings of love to restore one gone rotten and lost like that.

Loving with people like this is a painful one way street that just painfully sucks your life energy like a vampire sucks blood.

Everything was beautiful until he made me feel like some robot who should have no feelings or real intelligence, and like some sex object. Then I was beginning to feel tormented, and began having a fighting inside to step up and speak to let him know that I can never be what he has been so used to for some 20 years. Step up and remind him that I’m a real authentic one, and sorry to have to say, I am not and could not ever be a sex worker.

I’ve saved his leg from pain & amputation, and now he knows what to do if the problem returns. But in return he tormented me like nothing ever has. Said he was a man of his word, but then turned around and said he must have been drunk when he said that he would help me.

Months before that he did say one time that he was afraid to help me, that I might just disappear if he helps me. I can imagine what kind of idiot would do that. Especially in a world like this where compassion is almost non existent, and surely non existent for someone who has nothing but pain in her 40’s. And I did reply that those few who make a difference in my life are the prescious few who I’d never ever turn my back on. But it turns out that he perceives & thinks as he is, and can’t believe what doesn’t exist within himself. While, being how I am,  I easily came to love him before he turned the light at the end of the tunnel to a psychologically torturous nightmare.

We used to have dinners together every day even after the intimacy was broken. We confided in each other, shared our life stories and experiences with eachother. And I’m so open (too open some say), so he knows very well what I’ve been through, and how it’s been over a decade of nerve wrecking since I was robbed of everything and then lost my last family.

He knows that I give all I can wherever I can, as well because I gave my all to him. Or maybe he doesn’t believe it’s real because he himself isn’t real.

But some of what he confided to me, … about raping his own wife when she was passed out drunk instead of making sure she doesn’t die from alcohol poisoning, and a story about a Czech model that he sent to her death when she was in the hardest time of her life … had me so very shocked, and he was laughing at it all. I told my self then and there that this was his weird way of coping with the truth of his terrible past self.  Later on alone I was crying like a waterfall on different days overbit, I guess processing and recovering from the horror and dystopia of it all.

Since then, that was my second year here) it’s  all just been gradually turning into hell.

And I’ve been trying the whole time!, to find a way, find what to learn online in this isolation (can’t go anywhere, don’t even see any people here)  … trying to find what I can do online to create an income so I could get out of here. 

But it all leads to some very shallow things to be trapped with daily, and it’s like I’ve become useless to myself. Everything seems to discourage all to easily. I get too easily overwhelmed or so these days now. I need uplifting. I need help. I want to at least feel real love in this world. I want to heal. I want to restore. But 3 years now I haven’t managed to be the super effective me that everyone otherwise knows me as.

Maybe the state of my dysfuntion has to do with the fact that on top of the severe stress of the tormenting situation, I’ve been breathing mold coming from his wine cellar beneath me 24-7 coming up into the studio on his Rotten(stein) propperty where I reside since 4 years. I tried to keep telling him that it’s a very serious poison that kills, and that it is illegal where I come from to have someone staying in a place with mold, especially the black and the white mold (my petri dish showed 4 different molds). But instead of getting an expert to come see what we can do, and do it properly as I was suggesting several times, when I tried to insist, he just went wrote a paper saying that I stay here on own choise and responsibility, and told me to sign it.

I tried to say that first we must try fixing the problem and then run a test again, and then andnonly rhen can i really decide anything, to which he told me that if I don’t sign now I have to go pack and leave, now, knowing that I have nowhere to go and not even the means to go, he had me cornered to sign.

I’m so stressed and so heavily sad that I can hardly think straight. And even though I have ideas for all sorts always, I can’t even function properly. I keep breaking down in tears, sometimes shaking and heart beating like crazy. But I’m otherwise, or normally, the healthiest person among my peers and friends. 

My kidney is exhausted 2 different doctors told me. And “suddely” a year later my body was demineralising so fast that my gums hurt and were bleeding a whole lot. Taking electrolyte minerals stoped or slowed it I’m not sure, but it doesn’t seem like it’s remineralising yet (if it ever will). Perhaps, more than likely the stress that kills is in the way.

I don’t know what to do anymore. And now he says I have to go away by august because his daughter thinks she wants to come stay here after giving birth, and have a nany here, who he wants to put into “my” studio.

I don’t know what to do. I have nowhere tongo.

Since I made it clear that I can never be like those prostitutes that he’s used to, things slowly crubled and got worse and worse for me. Eventually we stopped haveing lunch together, and eventually we stopped having dinners together as well. And every christmas and new years I’m all alone. And even when things were nice, there was no little birthday gift or Christmas gift, even  though I spent weeks breaking my brains to find what little gift I could give him who has everything, and did manage to find  just to make him laugh or smile and feel that someone actually does care and think about him.

I used to go to munich every 2 weeks for some 3 to 4 days, and i was talking so nicely about him, wanting everyone to see him as a human and not as a millionaire, but to understand how it must be to be him; no friends, not even any real authentic sincere people in his life, just all alone and always everyone just wanting something from him in his position. So much so thatbhes hiding from the world onba remote mountain top now. I know what that feels like. It’s devastating. But by now I know, I see, he somehow hates and yet likes it all at the same time.

He calls himself poor. And he sure is one of the poorest, but he means poor on money, he means he is a poor millionaire.  I wish him wisdom. And even though he’s born with the luckiest Jupiter in his scorpio sign, still,  Thy Word Is Thy Wand.

He has 3  prostitutes coming up here all the way from hungary. 1 at a time approx once a month. 2 of them he has had since he lived on his islands in Bahamas during his big hedgefund years. He brags about everything and how he bought them both a luxury home each and made one of them famous, how they come from super poor farmer families, how he’s done this that for this one and that one. I thought he was caring but have learned that he is addicted to playing the massiah, that he feeds on the terrible snoddy way they behave as if they were pink poodle divas, which the cheff (his private cook) can’t stand, says he hates it so much. But Gerrit gets off on being able to impress them and support their livelihoods, even though they are never there for him, clearly don’t care at all, and even the cheff says how its disturbing to see how he gives these cold leeches everything and has not one of them ever caring for him, but just behaving as if they were some raised spoiled trilillionaire royal madams.

It’s always been a tormentimg/dystopian feeling to whitness such sick low levels allong the way in life, including on TV as well (which is why I generally avoid TV since my teens). But to now have these sort of things on my back is … I have no words to express how it kills, how it tortures me. The one whobgabe her all to him he traps and steps all over, hurts and abuses. And then abuses some more because “haha she can’t go anywhere”.

When once I tried to point out to him, while things were still somewhat ok between us, that he makes me feel like I should be worthless, then he said that i should be happy that I have a roof and hot water. So ugly, so damn hurtful.

And when I first came up  here he told me several times about his thoughts of going to Switzerland tobget death help. Eventually he tried to impress me with the idea of paying 30.000 Euro to have his ashes turned into a diamond that the girls cpuld fight about. How twisted his head is. I told him they will just sell it and split the miney, the are prostitutes for miney, they don’t care. IF EVER ANYTHING of the sort, then you better give it to your daughter who loves you, who will cherish it for life!  But looking back now he probably hated everything ibsaid.  He wanted to impress and have me pretend like those prostitutes do. But I can’t.

I’ve always avoided to be “close” to be friends or so with such people. The poor are always the loving wiser ones. What a way now to see how right I’ve always been. And this one is literally a self made millionaire (hedgefund borberline billionaire he was before he  retired). So practically a parasite profitting on the hardship & suffering of others as well as contributing to causing such things.

Yet I understand why he would go that way in life, in this world. How could you not I do  understand when ypu know this world!? ..and when you know what it’s like to be young and want to be something and  make it tobthe so called top. The fewest of us have that high moral and values to not fall for such crap that just hollows you out and adds you to the evil “army”. How would you even know what that really truly is if you were not raised with real love & its wisdom!? I do understand, and so I do feel some sympathy. But I’ve given all I could and it rurns out to be true that you can not reverse rot. Perhaps only if the lost hollow person wants to change, reconnect to source and be love as they once were when they first came from the infinite intelligence life force love and peoole have been taught to call God. But without that. there is no agreement and so then also no cooperation, but zero willingness and effort. Otherwise everything is possible. aäTjat much i know from oen experience. But when lost hollow or broken. Then it takes the love of another. When you can’t walk anymore, someone must help you. When you can’t move someone mush help you. Same same. 

Universe my infinite intelligence! It is Wealth Transfer Time! Turn the Tables! Now!

I’m still fighting with myself to find a way to get something going for me to get out of here. I don’t give up. But so far nothing is working, but I’m only one, I am a social team spirit one and in some environments I’m a natural leader who makes others Co lead. Im used to being independent amd self sufficient, while also better than most at being in a team of at best 2. But now? … I’m only one, I don’t know enough, I don’t feel confident enough now I guess. I feel like healing is needed severely. I miss feeling love in this world. I feel like a fraction of myself. I feel abused and so humuliated and as if I’m painfully slowly dying. Someone please tell me when I will get to relax and feel safe and loved so I can heal an restore.

Universe my infinite intelligence! It is Wealth Transfer Time! Turn the Tables! Now!

COINCIDING THINGS, AS IF WRITING ON THE WALL

I must have become terribly helplessly stupid from all the deteriorating killing stress and the mold here!

Because …

It’s almost scarry that the name Rottenstein is like rotten and stone in one word, as if to say  rotten one with a heart of stone. And the name Rath, for someone who’s born is the sing of the Rat.

Universe my infinite intelligence! It is Wealth Transfer Time! Turn the Tables! Now!