You couldn’t help it. You did what you know best. Which was paying for the most important common stuff. I allowed it, but only because I have been the caretaker in other ralationships. But I forgot in my exhaustion, that it was against my own good to allow it being done for me. …because I hadn’t learned to receive.

I did cry to you, that I want to contribute and have my own, but you discouraged me each time I started searching and digging around for my source of that. Now I know why you did that. Being a provider of necessities, is all what you know how to give.

It’s not your fault that you could not be my best friend. I realize, and understand now, that you never had one yourself. Only friends of respect and honor, are your closest thing to a best friend. So you never learned that best friends share all feelings n worries as well as the opposite of that. I’m sorry I could not be the one you’d understand, and that our high-on-life with each other didn’t follow with us from Ibiza to Berlin, but left us ..probably for the stunning nature that it was conceived in. …which was keeping me sane throughout all my painful times, …and was eased from bliss with you right there as well.

But feeling how I feel after us, it’s crazy to know that I was actually in a better place with myself before you.

Maybe our high on life did come with us to Berlin, maybe it just started dying here. But all of me was with it, dying with it, hilding it close while it was dying slowly (~hurting and suffering to its death). Because you minded only your own content feelings, closed towards anything else. Always everything only your way, only fitting to your idea of anything and everything.

I am not able to blame you for anything. Not even for letting me blame myself for everything. Whi I naively trusted that someone 20yrs older than me would protect my feelings. …well at least be wiser than me. But wisdom is a case of unconditional love, so I can’t blame you. It can never be your fault that you don’t actually really know love, besides that egoistic self-pleasing self-entertaining kind, which is obviously not love. And truly caring only for your own blood is not loving ones own children either, but again just an ego thing.

If my child had any kind of cancer, I would go and be with him at his side. But your son could not even talk to you about everything, without meeting a “too cool” guy in his own dad, ~ you, so cool and rigid like a wall of no emotions at all, no ups and downs, ~ no empathy.

I never knew.how literally.right I was when I said you are so cool for your age. Turns out that yes exactly! …it scary for your age. Cool as in cold and stiff, like a soldier. ~ only the basic han programs installed. But at least you didnt have the fighter program! Otherwise you would have killed more people than anyone else. …like the machine you seem to be. You eventually even pretended to be having a fight with me, which became one of the 2 most hurtful things you have done to me. Playing as if you were having an argument with me, when nothing from my side was against you, was not even about you. It was scarry to see how you were faking the anger against me, as if amuzing yourself with the experience of pretending. While any person of even just normal intelligence would know you are killing her! You are crushing her heart, in the moments when she needs you the most.

Sound a bit psycho yes. Psychopats can not feel with any other persons feelings ~put themselves in someone elses shoes. Yeah I did my research after you crushed me so hard and cold that day. I didn’t know any human with psychopatic traits before you. I have learned so much more about.the ham species through knowing you. I did not want to learn it, but I didn’t know it was important before. So you have been part of an important task, so important that I myself can’t fully comprehend the magnitude of this importance. Thank you.

At the same time it felt like all of my silly suffering of this entire lifetime, has been as if replayed through and with you, through your alienation of me, by which I blamed myself for needing your understanding ~ your friendship ~ your love. All you.know how to do is provide. Thank you. I guess I should have asked for SOMETHING. …at least for something important which I truly need. But I never could ask, so it’s not your fault that you can not relate to another human’s feelings of situation.

I understand now, that you are not a human of feelings, but rather only of calm with a rare and very occasional feeling of stress. But no pain, without which there truly is no gain. I know that now because of you. ..and now I understand why you enjoy physical pain. Imagine having even just such pain in the soul. Oh yeah ok, you don’t even believe you have a soul.

It all makes sense wow. Freakshow, but educating. Thank you again.

For all my sad troubled years I filled myself with blame for everything that you didn’t care enough to understand …as if afraid to truly deeply feel anything. While I even went beyond my own boarders with you. …till I had to resign, which you at least respected, but also called me intolerant for.

If you could, o you would recognize ~ see and feel, without even having to believe, that I gave you all of me and love you completely, against all odds.

Through all with you, now I know I am much more than just extremely cabable of loving full on and all over all time and space and beyond.

Now I understand that you “just” never realized any of it, that only the one who deeply knows love will be able recognize it. (while you think sex is the connecting factor)

And as I know I love you forever, (knowing my love is limitlessly endless and continuously eternal), I wish you to get to know love, even if not with me. I demand the entirety of all existence to take you into all the knowing of love, through and with whoever you choose now, well before this lifetime ends. Because it is worth more than money, it is worth more than gold, worth more than diamonds, and it is much more than just worth any of the pain it can sometimes seem to cause when there is a lack of of it. …such as the lack of empathy.

Love is what all existence and beyond is made of. Obviously if all existence was not made of love, but totally without empathy, the bees wouldn’t have the flowers for instance and so on, and so we wouldn’t even have this life on this earth. ..it would all just be black shiny oil and red smelly gasses of poison.

I understand that you did all the good with me that you knew of, because you have gone through life with the charming luck of your graceful calmness, ~evoking respect from your surroundings for it, and together with your easy going but strong attitude, it brought you great success. Yet in a daze of hash-smog, since you were just a kid, keept you from the deeper meaning of life~ which is to feel everything, good and bad alike, with the highs and lows, the bliss and the turmoil, ~kept you from growing your awareness, while the physical time of our souls physical experience here, is the time for permanent and wise expansion of our awareness, for consciousness itself. We are not here in this disguised paradise of planet earth, to become numb, rigid and cold.

You are the reason/contrast, that has caused me to see enough to know more fully who I am.

I no longer boubt my worth, now that I know how being treated worthless feels, and how it reminds me of my own traumatized and bitter father. Now, with your partaking in my life, I know I deserve to be loved and appreciated, and am therefore now destined for blissful abundance and happiness, and fulfilling success with all my creative expressions.

Now that I feel me and only me again, now that I look back on the past 7 years with you within my galaxy, all up in my universe, I know I am loving, I know I am kind, and my senses richer than most peoples, I know my being is of light, which felt as if it had gone out. I am richer on experience than most people, I am rich on character, and abundant of empathy for this entire world and all its beings and beyond.

Prosperity and Bounty is what I have got to finally experience now. And thanks to you I know that now.

And I wish you love. It is what you have got to finally experience now. You have everything else.

Thank you for all the contrasts from you, of being so cold and without empathy to me. I know it is time for you to finally get to know love now. I wish you no less than LOVE.