Ok, my nature of analysing, feeling things out very carefully, keeps coming to the same results, so now I get it, why I feel it so not happening!, for me to enjoy silly things. Because there’s no one like minded, so I feel more an alien then connected. Of course, even in the worst of times, you can and should, have some moments, in between all the serious and responsible, of some joy and laughter! But if you’re alone with not only your health issue, but also your thoughts ideas and contemplations, even your interests likes and feelings, yeah then… and on top if you’re already not even a party person, and tend to be more attracted to such things as for example seminars over entertainment in general, then how the hell can you enjoy anything!? Drunk people, and just people on alcohol has always felt so unpleasant to me. … I feel so sad constantly spending all my energy on managing just just feel at least neutral, and using my humor … But even most of my laughs suddenly feel so fake most of the time now. That’s so not me! And it feels so….😭So damn lonely….while I’m social of nature. 😢😭 I HATE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS 😣 don’t want to have any of it around me 😥 And I miss my only home feeling place, ibiza. I shouldn’t have moved away from there just because of a relationship, which then anyway left me stranded with nothing after 7yrs, stranded in a big ugly city like Berlin, with less striving options than I had on Ibiza. I trusting naive idiot! Amd now!?…. I feel so sad and impossible, so very down & foggy, to even just function here! They say that you are in the right place. But hello!?, that’s like saying everyone is well! May sound nice, may sound good, but is obviously Total Bullshit. Everything just feels so wrong! I don’t know how to feel ok enough anymore to go on!?!?!?
My knowledge don’t even fit in … I’m an alien in mainstream worlds. I don’t fit in. …and never ever did.
When things that are being said seem totally meaningless or even retarded, you know you are not stupid at all, but… Ah shit it’s all hopeless amd hurting too much most of the time.
It just can not be real, an environment that makes you long so much for wisdom, so much that it feels like painfully dying, for lack of better words to decide how it feels inside. But the on top you notice that this damn environment also dislikes that, takes it as critisizm, and would thereby obviously rather make you feel guilty for this longing. WTF!…yeah “wow that’s fun”. No it’s like some psycho sht’. Other place in the world people would i courage you to following a longing like that and join you in contemplations about it, from all angles, an all sided all positive adventurous conversation of deep feeling. …100% with that person, present with all senses.
For what am I here!? Why!? How come really!? How did I let this happen!? It didn’t start out like this. It’s all so very different now. I feel worse and my health issue has gotten worse as well. I can’t believe the state of me, and I’m stuck for real now with business closed. I would manage if I had my own space at least. I feel totally groundless now. Ready to drift off once and for all.