…didn’t even want to make love. And eventually he even wrote me a message saying that he just wants to fuck. I cried for hours like a waterfall, feeling physiclly as if it was twisting my heart and crushing my guts inside.  It felt like I’m the old one. …a familiar feeling in this life, which I know since I was a child (growing in a world of mainly stupid disconnected  idiots). 

He, the one I love, although from his view he’s been tollerating and helping (financially) he became the cause of my troubles regrowing in strength, instead of continuing to heal, while he was supporting me on one side (that being rather financial) most of all his help became more and more wasted, because he did not like how the problems were getting expressed in me, on me and out of me. Of course this was causing me to shut down and shut up more and more (~never resolving any of it emotionally nor mentally, “just” accumulating inside, overloading me with emotional imbalance which with eventually becomes mental). All shutting me up and shutting me down too much for my own good, made the troubles start eating me alive from within. 

I felt screaming cries inside me more and more all the time. …unfortunaly almost 7 years ~which is what it takes to create a propperly new internal asset to your existance of self. So I’m afraid this was some extremely bad shit just messing my wellbeing up/messing me up. 

…not wanting to hear, see or feel (grow from it all together) with me as a loving love would do, as I always do to not have a person suffering alone (surely never ever at my very side hello!?) when I can help while it always makes the helper grow as well anyway! We should never be alone with problems. But even worse is to be alone with it right at the side of a loved one. That is a torture trap! 

The truth here ALWAYS IS, that we become full of the effects of problems, meaning that WE ARE NEVER THE PROBLEM, but rather just become subject to the effects, which we are then expressing, this is known as symptoms of the problem. And we are meant to be intuitive enough to at least know that we have to treat the cause of the problem and not just the effect. But obviously not by ourselves but with deep open loving support and assistance. But still most people (being indoctrinated ~ disconnected) will treat you as if you are the problem, instead of treating you like they know you need help getting through the problem ~connection ~loving support, showing you and reminding you all the time that you are not the problem, and we will help finding discovering and solving or curing any problems. …~you are more than just safe with us. …this is the time to make a person feel that he or she is best off being right here with us, and we are solving and resolving anything perfectly, and we never give up.  …NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN EXPECT FROM AN ILL PERSON TO DO THEMSELVES. 

 …the longer problems exist, the more levels they may grow and spread out over, and the more issues they will be causing the person at stake. …which can only show as different types of expressions, pouring out of that person in different ways and forms. TRYING TO MAKE THAT PERSON SHUT UP~shut down THEIR EMOTIONAL EXPRESSIONS, IS LIKE YELLING AT SOMEONE FOR BLEEDING. …thats is sick, ill egoism, psychological terror, mean~evil as the idea of a concentration camp …yeah it is very nazist and narcissistic. 

The person happens to naturally just be expressing the problems, weather they want to or not, for as long as a problem exists, which is a natures logical way to indicate the presence of a problem, before it becomes too much or too late, so stupid humans have a chance to deal with it. 

Feeling fragile like a child I still wish he would come save me from the pains, showing me he realised what real loving actually is and that I’m worthy of real love. 

He behaves in ways that show he does not mind that I have been loved by several humans who were truly loving and really good at it. ~my teachers of Love about Love.   …he obviously forgets that I have learned to love (the ways he has seen and felt me do it) by being loved myself, so I know the difference each and everytime he treats me, talks to me, behaves to me. And since he has children, of course I have noticed he knows how to love ~see and support the best in a close human. So that tells us that he is choosing not to see me as much human as his own children, but as a grown up robot-like adult who should have lost all innocence and sensitivity through growing older, such as he apparently has. …and damn I wish to be wrong about that! 
Though it is a common volks primate egotrip, to only (happen to) love ones own offspring (yeah »happen to« because it surely was not wisdom and conscious decission, but rather natures ways happening to man, showing that he has not developed beyond what nature made him). 

 Anyway, if the majority of the world were wiser people than just primate levels paired with the average of common schooling, all the humans would of course not be ruled over, and surely not all of them by 2% of them / and definately not by sociopats. And obviously being calm and stable has never been and will never be any kind of sign of intelligence nor tallent. 

COMMON OLD KNOWLEDGE 

(one which never fails); The more stupid a person is the more equally happy as well. 

Such people have no depth and do not live to learn but to consume. …also consuming people due to this limited of heart and mind state. They are not learning and growing forever because they avoid trouble at all cost, so they never develop understanding which goes hand in hand with compassion. In fact whenever they feel pity, they think they are feeling compassion. …while the rest of us know pitty could only help you to the grave sooner. 

I guess he remains more german that he thinks. Well obviously living abroad did not change the passive agressive of his DNA. 

Right now I’m on the way from the traumahouse Greenhouse Berlin, to go play with WIRED CHILL at the Fette De La Musique here in Berlin. 

At the same time I’m trying to pack my studio, which feels impossible, partly because I’m so sad, and full of anxiety(still from my car accident) while the flat is not even available yet, I’m so out of myself by now, I cant focus or even access my otherwise natural organiser skills for packing. 

It looks like I haven’t been very objective for a long time, or atleast just not on some parts of my world, as I just had my longest relationship, almost 7 years with someone who turns out to not have looked any deeper into who I am, than just the sex we used to have. And even though I tried the whole time to be as open as I could to his ways, even though it gradually came to hurt me deeply, he still never ever tried to do things my way, and probably that’s why it became unbearable eventually. The only thing he tried was breaking up 3 times. 

He loved the sexy baby (~loved the person for the sex) but not actually the person (~atleast I know how it is when someone likes/loves/appreciates your mind n spirit, ~deeply interested in the person/in the human that you are, with all it’s imperfections and perfections, loving to spend as much time with with you as possible, doing whatever anything or even nothing, interested in your thoughts feelings and views, always eager to know more, knowing you can only keep getting close and keep on keepin yourself close enough to understanding the person fully, as we are always fluctuating with all whatvwe are andncontain, and we’re ever-changing through being ever-growing.

 …so it all points to, that he does not love the person for being this person, in fact he thinks he’s the only one of us two who has the right answers to everything/sees everything right. I should just be wrong anytime he has a different view, as if he has no clue of duality and things having many more sides than just one or two. 

I guess I am more of a classic woman then I tend to think, typically very complexed and deep of mind, feeling and seeing, while he is one of the most simple people I’ve ever mett, rather simple and … of mind

Everyone who knows me, says that he is keeping you down, paying your rent and leaving you 200€ to life is not real help, but just keeping you stuck in all the sad n lonely depressive things. Real help is done with loving admiration and the effort to understand, giving you trust where he has trouble understanding. But basically listening to you and your needs carefully. Remebering. Showing you that you’re on his mind all the time when appart. Bringing you away with him on his travels because he knows yooubare the one who actually really Needs the traveling, just like we all know you always do. And SURELY someone who is on your side, will never speak down about you to others. And not only did he do that, but while you are down. 

I was somehow blaming myself for everything, not even realising that he never even just tried to make love to me at all. …our intimacy just turned into the most monotone and cold insensitive consumerism, and I did not realise that it was eating me up inside untill I was already way too dysfunctional. I guess I’m still quite naively trusting when I love and like someone. 

I even tried to revive our relationship according to his ways/his suggestions of, that maybe I should have some fling to wake me up, so to say. …which hurt the first time he said it, and I was swallowing this by reminding myself how he is n sees things so different, unattached (which I understood in my own way I guess, as I’m not the jealous kind. But then he used it against me to finally really break up. 

I feel so deeply sad that I feel heavy like a ton, slow like a snail, abandoned by everyone, always my whole life. 

I know my worth more or less, but I dont feel worth anything at all. 

I realize that it is the 5th time I live in Germany, and that it never fails to fck me up inside out. …seccond world war is still what their sould n dna is full of. It’s. passive aggressive nation. They are all so professionally kind to each others faces, but without words they just manage to make one another look worthless to others with either just attitudes, jokes, ironys and/or dark evil humor. …gemany reminds me of denmark and mamy of the reasons why I had to just get away from there. But germany is worse in all such things. 
Damn this human race is insane! ACTUALLY WE CAN NOT TALK ENOUGH ABOUT HOW SICK AND ILL OUR HUMAN WORLDS HAVE GOTTEN. …i just hope that spreading awareness really is the good and right place to start, or getting to the place where it’s possible to heal these issues.