With the lifelong traveling life that I have lived, which eventually made me a freely globetrotting dancer among the stars (Lenny Kravitz, Metallica, Maxwell, and many others), with the amounts of experiences and growth, knowledge and so forth, ….honestly, the so called normal life becomes so very painfully boring and predictable, while I mostly also become too much of an alien that most people can’t relate to, so that all in all, after 3 months I loose the life energy feeling and get depressed instead of feeling like I want to live this life.

Aparently it is equally important, that besides having a base somewhere ~ a nest, I have to be regularly roaming a bit also. …perhaps partly because of some work of my own creation or so.

And it seems that nothing edgy is without suffering.

Sometimes, or occasionally I can and might seem spoiled to some, but you can be sure that I have achieved any and all of that, all by myself alone. Otherwise, I come from an old fashioned respect and discipline home, of a hard and disciplined Eastern europe father, and a strict but sweet loving Danish grandMother.

My father did ruin some of the little me after my mother died, leaving him depressed and bitter, and drinking making him severe, while also keeping him forever stuck in mourning over her, and torturing the ones who loved him, with his locked up sorrows overgrowing him, into a very hateful state.

At some point around the age of 11 or so, I realised that I naturally thought my father hated me, and only did what he had to do; feed and house me, and make sure I do what I’m supposed to (like all other sheeple). I realised this by comming to a situation, where someone put the idea on the table, that my dad loved me, which at first sounded totally naive-Disney-style-lala…. Silly pink poodle candyfloss sht. But somehow in the whole constellation of the moment in this world with everything I was aware of, it suddenly seemed rather logical that he loved me however he could in his own way, that he was just behaving to me, much like his dad behaved to him.

It was even more strange, when once a girlfriend of my dad told me, that he often had this nightmares about me, where I’m about 5 yrs old, and walking backwards to a cliff edge, and while he’s terrified and trying to make me listen, to come to him, I keep walking backwards being silly, not really hearing him, till I reach the cliffs edge. And this he aparently kept dreaming ever so often. To me it was obvious that only if he really cared about me he would dream such things in his sleep, so while I wasn’t happy about my father having any nightmare, I was happy about the meaning for me, of this nightmare.

Though sure today, when I think about this dream, then it was surely trying to tell him something. Which I’m guessing he never understood. Just like I didn’t understand the obvious in a dream I used to have, untill approx. 30yrs later. And I think the dream was telling him, that he was destroying me, which sent me over the cliff in life.

Dreams is a funny thing of wisdom. So yes I do believe that we are connected to some all-knowledge, some all knowing kind of source. There’s no other option! Because I sure was not wise enough at age 9 to be able to give myself a message so deep n wise, that it would take me 30 yrs before I came to understanding it. No way! That could not have been me.

The dream came when I decided that I probably might be able to deside what I wanna dream about. And I wanted to dream about horses. And so kept looking at however much I could see, of the poster of a horse, above my bed,till I fell asleep. And I did manage to dream of horses and be horseriding. But this disturbing thing kept happening over and over. Everytime the others on horses were getting way ahead, I’d get all anctious, trying to shout on them, but they were getting further and further ahead of me in myactious feeling state, which by that just increased, and with that my horse would turn into a damn Haribo gummy-bear horse. So now I couldn’t move at all, and they’d get even further away from me. And in the middle of it all, as my desperation of being left behind, but now being stuck and unable to do anything about it with my useless horse, my stress of feeling anctious decreased, and I’d spot a phone on the back of my horse, right there in front of me, between his shoulders. I though “Yeah would be nice to just call them up to make them wait for me, but… The phone was one with the horse, so obviously all made of that damn gummy-bear candy. Useless! And so what could I possibly feel next!? Yes, the feeling of whatever, ok nevermind, fine ok, I can’t do anything, and so by all such feelings I quit feeling anxious. Ha! Yeah funny, how logical actually right!?

Now as soon as I was at ease, or we could say as soon as my state of feeling was normal, then in the immediate following second, so was my horse. ~ And everything was on again, smooth again!, going on again, working for me again, and so I caught up with the others and everything was perfectly fine. Untill the next time something got me out of my”S” again, out of my “cool” again. Even though it was the very same thing again!? And even though I even spent a couple of days with this horse dream, I didn’t figure anything out!? …it just became uninteresting for the little 9yr old me to focus on, and so I forgot about wanting to dream of horses.

So my teens passed, my twenties, and about another decades time later, I talk about this dream a few times in the artist house in Berlin, and now being full of knowledge, including about energies and their nature, their ways or working, functioning and taking effects, I eventually finally realised, that my dream was repeatedly telling me, by showing me how it works; how you feel becomes how things go, or how you feel will effect things, how you react or don’t react makes things react or act, and so on.

And with Humor, I’ve even been saying for years, when you get a problem, it’s as if you had a problem with a Muslim, suddenly it’s a whole family. ~ Trouble is a whole family, never comes one just alone.

So I could have seen it sooner I’d say. But however! Today I’d rather say; it’s up to you how you treat this unexpected guest, whose name is “A-Problem”. If you treat “him” with love, ~ welcome “him” like you would the very opposite, then “he” will be your friend, and not retaliate with his whole family. Then there will be no trouble.

And then it makes even more sense that a problem is an opportunity in desquise. Then it makes perfect sense that there is something to discover and learn, somehow in each problem.

And in this way a problem can become either, as it can even turn into a blessing at best, or a war at worst.    … Amazing.

Hmm… so then… Wow life is so magical underneath it all, under all the dirt and mess we’ve allowed without being aware of so much. Too much. We’ll, but, so then We really truly are to learn to embrace a problem like a treasure yet to unfold its short life, revealing something new for you.

Hmm… Ok and in this way, life is truly divine, if this is just one small detail example of how things (and how we) actually work, function and take effect.

Wow, easy to say, but now for example imagening my dad welcoming my mother’s death… Tough one. … But I can do it. …and sure it would be better, anytime!, but we are so far from that.

Sure teaching one generation this knowledge from the start would get us there fast, but ….yeah…

Anyway I got way of track here.

Yeah so, my dad messed up many things of me, but I have been working on me since before my teens, and so I have successfully processed, sorted, replaced and repaired all my life, and healed most of it. I have come so far since all that, way back then, I’ve been growing so incredibly much. I never even intended to grow as much as I have, because I never even concidered that a person could grow so much. I had no idea I’d actually fit that much in to a lifetime, as I habe done. And I already started feeling like that in my twenties, when I’d come back home to Denmark fe my travels, and see how everyone and everything was standing still, and their world was so small, and their topics so petty or meaningless, or even cruel.

Eventually I came to profoundly understand and feel on my own self how it is to come to that point where you realize, that for the average world you tend to know too much, surly too much not to complicate things for yourself yourself, but in reality you have come to that place of growth and knowledge, where ironic as it may seem, you know so much that you know, that you don’t know much.

Further down the road you come to a time where you literally start seeing what some wise ones say; that the truth is hidden in the open. And then you go on realising, that it’s in all sorts of ways, shapes and forms. Another truth that feel more deep than you could have thought. And you can’t share it with anyone. It’s juts too far out for people. Sheeple living the normal lives, where most people are most unaware.

Somehow awfully similar to me still seems to be, in these two quotes;

The truth is hidden everywhere in plain sight.

&

The devil is in the details.

And what was all that stuff about Lucifer meaning knowledge!?

So yeah anyway, I should be so damn smart and clever right!?, everyone thinks so at least, or so it seems. And me too, But we are helpless creatures unless we are in the right environment, or at least with one right person, with whom you happen to connect in ways that activates, more of what you lack in your own nature and learned abilities, connect in ways that activate the right things you and/or in each other at best, activate more of the factors you need. And so I am not smart and clever as such, I am intelligent.

I have learned about intelligence, that the word is either misunderstood, or there might be some missing knowledge on my side, because, I have learned that intelligens is what nature is made of and functioning in sync and harmony with.

We are trying to balance the scales now, when it comes to nature and many things to do with our very own nature, but let’s not get into that part of it now. Balancing is not enough, it’s not nature’s way ~ it’s not natural.

We have to be more sensitive in general, and sync.with ~ we have to be in harmony with what is.

For example, Let’s say I never play loud music, just don’t need it, but then because, if you can be loud practicing your saxophone 2hrs a day, then I can also play loud music 2hrs a day…,
besides you being twisted there, and it will fit in some cases, pbut in others not. Perhaps your music is heavy metal and you have a baby in the house, or the saxophone player doesn’t even stick their nose in any things of yours.
In this case? Senseless! But too many people are retarded like that.

Or other times things should be a question of letting people do what they are individually good at or best at. Instead of having everyone do all the same things to cary the same load or to tread them equally. Why not where ever possible, let people do what they are better at or interested in!? Then they feel better and so they work better.

Ok back to the point of track…
I’m a thinker, yeah, but I work out solutions all my life for everyone else effectively, and I come up with good shit.

Intelligence can be like a curse sometimes though. The only reason I don’t feel insane, is probably because at an early age I saw it in my own father. He was too smart to be so sad. But that’s a nother thing! He needed someone because he too was obviously human. And we all need somebody somehow. We are a tribal species! We need others ~ we All Need each other.
And so okay i know that none of that is what makes me crazy. Amd I know that my crazy is a kind of good crazy.
But just like intelligence does, my kind of crazy also has its trouble.

More on intelligence. An IQ test can not measure your intelligence really! Because FIRST OF ALL, then for me to score over 160 I should not be able to be so helpless in much any phases or times. Make a test on an average day at a random time when you happen to feel just ok. And then do it next time, when you have one of those days, where you just feel really fresh and rested, all sharp and on top kind of feeling.

How does your intelligence depend on how you feel in the moment.

So to me and all my feelings of what is of intelligence, is that its all a matter of heart, not brains. And those tests don’t measure your heart in any sense, but your sharpness and your calculating skills. To me that is smart and clever. But not intelligent.

It’s not my brain or sharpness of that sort, that makes me do the right thing with others involved, it’s my understanding, my care ~ which is love. 
And there is not even a question of moral. Perhaps that word might be a misleading invention of religions!?

Well, whatever intelligence is or isn’t…. I just have a weird feeling there with it, but I might be blind not knowing something also. But I am not smart and clever. So I am lost in transitioning time. Swimming and swimming since years now, and I still haven’t found shore!?

I don’t know how to do alone, I’m a thinker, I’m creative, but stuck with it all alone. I’m lost. I know so much, I’m so good at many thing, but it’s all chaotic with what I should and how I could, use what I know well. What to make a living of, is the damn question, when you can’t, at least not without getting all depressed&suicidal, just squeeze yourself into any of those roles that you have long outgrown and even overgrown. And never mind all the times you have tried to give it all you could, it just never felt right, and it never really works out.

So I am nobody, and I have no title.
All I know is that it’s all meant to be for reasons I will eventually be able to see looking back one day.  …amd so is me writing all this here.