One of the next days I’ll be going up to my “sister” in Denmark. She lives in a small town one hour from Aarhus on the Jylland part of Denmark.

She meets nothing but bad company as she’s an up to no good kind of person on her own. Life is harder in a different way, for the ones who have been spoiled and didn’t learn much self discipline, and especially missing is the loving others, instead of being stuck in a life of overgrown ego. Because when you don’t love yourself in a healthy way, then it would be the love you have for the ones love you, which would give you the sanity and streanght to do right, as you don’t wanna saden those who love you, and like that you get up, you get well, you get better, and so on.
But when you’re living mostly out of ego, then it also becomes a habit, meaning part of your autopilot-program/your subconscious way of being, which attracts the similar vibrations to you, in other words, the things Events and people of the same frequency are drawn to you. Obviously attracting more of the same, more of all sorts of ego-crap, that’s not good for you most of all, but neither good for anything or anyone.

So after all these years (since we were just 8 and 9 years old), now finally, we have agreed to experiment together to find something we like that we can do together, to get ahead, and in that spend more time together as well.

Though all at the same time, I have all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts. Many of them pop up from all sorts of past experiences, but some of which are rather recent stuff, like when I last visited and stayed with her for 5 weeks. It was after my break-up, which was like a nightmare divorce for me, and I was already so droken in peaces before that happened, and on top of it all, he who had been like a husband for nearly 7 yeas, who I had given my all to, and so on, left me behind with nothing, I didn’t even have my own money after all these years of living in the old fashioned situation where the man provides, and neither did I have a place to live at first. Untill I returned to Berlin from my sisters, then he had found me a room and lend me 2000€, and handed me a bag of marihuana, suggesting I could sell it to all my artist friends and acquaintances from greenhouse, while I thought to myself, it was a poisonous thing to do, put me in a very depressing flat, add depth to my life, and a big bag of weed to make sure I don’t get psychologically stronger or anything useful, just stay trapped in the depression of brokenness from living with a man who has no emotional intelligence and almost no empathy.
But I came up to her to begin with, because she said she would be ther for me, and that I should come up to her and register in Denmark again, to have a break to recover, and then after be able to figure out what I should and want to do. But she was on coke 24/7, and it was the only thing on her mind that she cared about, it was hear breakfast even, and so she was theorising my at nearly every step and moment, till I desperately started writing in my diary about it all, but writing it as a make belief kind of thing, by writing the opposite of what was really going on. I was falling apart so horribly, feeling the psychosomatic of physical pains inside my body.

But now, 2 years later, I know I better do mine, to not let the past paint the future like that. I must believe in the best outcomes possible, because everything is possible.

I’ve been suggesting this for so many years now, and even though it was so to say inspired the search off possible sollutions to the problem, each time she dived into drugs or alcohol abuse.
Right now it’s on the edge, like a do or die kind of situation, where I feel that if we don’t do it now, we might never have the chance again, as she’s been close to dying so many times, and has hit bottom regarding motivation for anything at all, except us doing something that is wise for us, and feels good to do and have together.
But that also means that the situation feels very questionable and wobbly to my senses for now, from here.
I so heavily hope that there will be no drugs or alcohol, (and no stranger around, not even just those of a runing tv).
And most of all we better both be the driving force and the enthusiasm of it all, because if I have to be the one to push because its just me alone, then I guess…. Well, we will see how it goes.

Feels like a do or die project.

I do feel inside as if this is the last time I give yet another chance for something good with my sis,for the 99.999th time or so. We’ll yeah this must simply be that time when we finally do something great together.
Otherwise I probably might not remain able to ever believe that again after “a million of” fails and letdown.

But yes we can do anything we want together. So that means we have to want something. So to find that, we have to experiment with as much different things, that seems close to what somehow might (or just does) fit us and what we know and like.

It better be good, it better be interesting and inspiring.

I just hope she’s really with me 100% this time. …and that we get some useful things going on and succeed with something fast, so I can leave the psycho torture of that louzy dancing job again.

Most clever/smart experienced people would probably point out, that when someone mostly doesn’t read your messages, and hardly ever replies to anything, and when you want advidlce or opinion you usually just get a a standard “I don’t know”, that this is someone who never let’s their heart feel into you and yours, meaning they are never really ever with you.
But the thing is, that there are always some ecxeptions to every rule, and I’m 90%sure that Ann-Carina is one of those ecxeptions. The reason I’m not sure is because I also know that when she wants something, she will make her way to it, and so many times in life she has showed signs of genius as well, so then I can’t tell for sure if it’s just that she never cared about anyone so much that she would ever feel that wanting to be the special one in another’s life (unless it’d be very the cliché of falling in “love” perhaps).

Well all my bad hard and some even insane experiences of the past with “sister-someone” are logically like little micro traumas, just like all the other experiences that create our subconscious ~autopilot “Programms”.
And I’m so happy and grateful for the clarifying that Human Design brought to this relationship, because it was one of those things in life that often made me doubt my own sanity. And meanwhile, every one of my friends who ever knew of her, they all thought I shouldn’t be friends with her. But at the same time, the thing was that Ann-Carina and I became sisters, which started gradually developing from the start as we met. So by the time yeas enough had gone by and people started having a legit opinion, it was actually too late. And it was already way past my own days of realization about, that if I would have met her once I didn’t have that child sensitivity which doesn’t get questioning as children up to a certain age don’t actually speculate, then without that we would not have become friends at all. And the clear feeling of that makes it a really twisted feeling weird thought.

Also, according to her design, she should be that type who most often thinks nothing much and has no answers to most things. But I also know that interest causes learning and learning causes growth, and growth grows into wisdom, so at the same time everything is possible.

So yeah, I’m almost a bit nervous to see where this experiments for projects together will go.
I’m refraining from increasing the chases for disappointment, by simply not getting exited from projecting anything onto it of expectations. But then it’s clear that I’m about to fall down the other side, where I could project pessimistic perceptions onto it, so it’s about catching myself before I let myself into any one of those.
I wanna be neutral. Just open. So I can feel my way instead.
Ready for anything. Meaning ready for the perfect exhilaration.

…or be it game over. …!?

But yeah it does bother me that she…
as if sis here isn’t clever!?
As if she shares for no personal reason!?
As if my interest wasn’t smarter than most people’s!?
As if I wasn’t anyway the better influence always, so its not even like loosing anything, but rather actually gaining for her.
So why doesn’t she care about what I have to say and to share, what I think and feel?????

It bothers me! There is something or everything wrong with it.

The TV gets attention, even people like the looser neighbour, but I who is supposed to matter the most, my  communications ~ the connection with me. It’s selfabsorbed. Its that overgrown ego shit. …that unhealthy ego, damaging and poisoning her world.
This is what people don’t get. It poisons your world to be so into self in that spoiled way. Not only for your life, but for your surroundings and  for whoever comes into it also. If you have animals, they often even reflect it to you, through their health or behaviour, or both.

But anyway, …so yeah, the real bond strengthening connection with me, through my keeping close connection with her is ignored. What matters to me doesn’t matter. No matter how much it has been crumbling, hurting and suffering because of her choices that lead to horrible things for anyone who cared about her, not just in the recent years, but always!

There is something wrong….
But if this most selfabsorbed ever, if she will start shedding it again as she started doing when she had first started that job, right before she started smoking J’s all the time, then….then everything will make sense.

There’s been so many moments where she has said that I was right, or that I know so much, or that I am even intelligent amd what have you, that I’m her good influence, and so freakin on! She has registered so many times that listening to me is good, that it’s the best for her in this world even, way better than her mom ever could me even. So why doesn’t she listen to me? Why doesn’t she connect the dots anyone else would!?

Well yeah, laalala …there are things that make me question if we’ll be coming to the turning point now, or to the final crumbling.

Well it IS so damn Easy.
All it takes is solid/real/unconditional LOVE.

A nother week later. I know she wants me to come there, but everyday since a month now, there been something postponing each day, the very transferring for the ticket this time around.

What was supposed to atleast some 5weels in a row will now get more split up. So now I’ll be there for a week or two, and then back to Munich one night, to take the train to work for ten days.
Then Munich again one night, and from there to Berlin to rent a mover van, and move my stuff from the artisthouse storage to a real storage. And then up to Ann-Carina again. So I guess for now 2 weeks away in between.

Meanwhile on my mind, I sincerely so deeply wish her, that she remembers how she used to feel, and how she used to rule but so calm and peacefully in her job the first 2years,and that she thinks enough about it to really remember the feeling states of being calm and organized, just doing well, feeling happy because success is freedom in our money ruled world. So she can both get deeply motivation to really have successes again, yes several different successes, but yeah, by first of all accepting where we are now, with that same cool and peace,  remembering how it feels. Because that harmony of freedom feels good, and feeling good we do good.
So from here, now, at least we can feel well and do well. And next thing you know, we feel good and are doing good.